Last weekend I built a roof on my daughter's playhouse. Fear gripped me several times as I was 20 feet atop a ladder mounting building materials, hoping I wouldn’t plummet to my death below—my family spotted me as I attached the final pieces.
Tired and physically exhausted, it was all worth it when I could see the joy in my daughter’s eyes as we built together. Upon finishing, we blew out the debris and she brought up pillows and a rug, excited about her new creative space.
As her Father I live with a deep conviction that I am not just building a playhouse, I am building the memories she will live from for the rest of her life. As she handed me nails and boards, and I let her use my drill, I know we’ll reminisce about this moment years from now.
There will be no redo of her childhood, and my goal is to nail it as her Father! Her mother and I decided years ago as parents, there is no price too high we wouldn’t pay to bless our children and set them up for success.
In our 20’s, we let
the rigorous schedule
and emotional pull
of ministry hurt us.
After that season of pain and regret, we hit reset and made changes to ensure we stay healthy and thrive as a family in the long run.
We've discovered some imperative knowledge that we call “Non-Negotiables”
that have been guiding principles on our journey. We discovered what we need as a family, agreed-upon them, and they became tangible targets we take aim at, that has created a healthy culture of love in our home.
Protecting our home is a shared responsibility my wife and I carry. We both serve in full-time ministry at Bethel with a lot of things going on, and we are so grateful we took the time to establish these guideposts years ago.
1. Stay connected to each member of your family no matter what it costs you.
Author and researcher Brene Brown says, “I define connection
as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance
and strength
from the relationship.” ― Brené Brown
Here are some keys to keep the connection alive:
- Trust is the currency of connection.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Click here
to watch a short video by Danny Silk on how to build trust.
- Never hide.
To live in wholehearted connection we must share the good and the ugly or else parts of you remain alone and untouched by unconditional love. Connection needs unconditional love to flourish.
- Laugh often.
Find things you all think are funny and laugh together. It’s good medicine! Click here
for a good laugh!
- Honor the Presence of God.
His Presence lives outside of a church service. He is welcomed or reflected by the attitudes of our hearts. We desire praise and thanksgiving to be continual in our home. More happens in the Presence in two minutes than I can accomplish in 10 years. Click here
to watch this short conversation with Bill Johnson and Michael and Jess Koulianos,
- Celebrate each other.
My Son Joel loves Basketball and works really hard at it in season and out. When it’s his time to shine we are all there. If Leslie is preaching we are celebrating her. Addie had a school play, we are all there watching her and cheering her on.
- Listen.
If someone is mad or acts out it doesn’t mean they are bad, it means they are frustrated and need someone to listen. When my Son was 10 years old, a substitute teacher shamed him in class. When he got in the car he was so hurt he punched the window shattering the glass. He was scared—I was calm. I felt the Holy Spirit come over me and I said, “I don’t care about the window, that’s replaceable—I want your heart, what’s going on.” We were able to help our son, cover him and build trust that family is the safest place you can run to.
- Deal with issues with kindness and grace.
All of us at one time or another have needed feedback, or an attitude adjustment, repented, and forgiven each other. That’s life. To pretend like all is well when it’s not can disrupt the best of family’s. I have repented to each member of my family more times than I can count. If you can’t figure it out on your own, then reach out to someone who can help.
2. What are the priorities of your season?
Jesus said, “But seek first
the kingdom of God
and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added
to you.”
When you prioritize the Kingdom of God, He will help
you
find the rest of your priorities.
I recently got invited to speak at a conference for a lifelong hero of mine. At first I said yes, but then realized because of the travel schedule I would have to miss my Son’s 15th Birthday. I immediately knew my answer even though I wrestled some. I am not going. Opportunities will come and go, but knowing my priorities helps me make decisions
before they come. When you say yes to your priorities, it’s an automatic no to distractions and temptation.
- What are you protecting?
- What is of the most value
in this season?
- As a family, what season
are you?
- What are you building
as a family?
- Who in your family is God highlighting
that everyone needs to get behind?
- What are the priorities
of your family?
3. Only do what you have grace for.
Grace
is the empowering Presence of God.
Out of our connection, we talk about what we have grace for and honor that.
Here is how we find what we have grace for:
- What’s the word of the Lord
for the season you are in?
- What is our capacity
in this season?
- What’s the word over our kid’s lives?
- What’s stirring
on Tom’s heart?
- What’s stirring
on Leslie’s heart?
- Who’s turn is it
for their capacity to be grown?
We have an invisible button in our family called “reset.”
Use it when you need it and don’t get stuck.
At the end of the day, we are far from perfect. Well, at least they are. I’m pretty awesome.
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