It was my 23rd Birthday, September 11, 1999, and I was about to receive the biggest gift of my life. It was also a very special day for my Fiance Leslie and I. That morning, I wrote the final entry in a journal I had been writing for her, on the first few pages I had left blank that I had been keeping on our relationship.
The entry wrote:
“Well here we are honey, we are getting married in just a few short hours. It just doesn’t seem real yet that we are actually getting married today. Last night with the guys was crazy, and I’m running on three hours of sleep but I think I’ll be fine.
If you are wondering what this is, it’s not just another journal. Leslie ever since I really met you, I knew that you were the person that I wanted to love and marry, so for the last thirteen months, I’ve been keeping a journal of our relationship, events, and simply my love and prayers for you.”
Later that evening, I gave her the journal. She cried. Mission accomplished.
Before the wedding, I picked up the rental car for our getaway and stopped at McDonald's for breakfast. I noticed the old guys in the corner with their newspapers and had a surreal moment—“they have no idea that I’m getting married today.” They have lived most of their lives and I’m about to start living mine.
The wedding began—She turned the corner holding her father’s arm, walking down the aisle to trade vows, and make a lifelong covenant called marriage. She was stunning! I took a million pictures in my mind of this beautiful moment. We both wept as we worshiped the Lord together committing our lives to Him as one from this day forward. All I could feel was the kiss of God—that this beautiful person would choose me.
It was an unforgettable day.
We were married and off to a great start.
We soon found out that marriage was full of twists and turns, ups and downs, pain and comfort and we needed more than the memory of a wedding day to thrive.
Two kids later, living in five different states serving at Bethel Church, the fourth church we’ve been on staff at—we’ve learned a thing or two about growing a flourishing marriage amongst ministry pressure, transition, pain, and change.
We recently celebrated 20 years last September! Today, our love and connection is deep, fun, alive, and has carried one goal—please the Lord in our relationship.
Here are 3 keys to Cultivating a Happy Marriage:
1. The Cross of Christ must be the center.
The Cross of Jesus Christ is a place of justice, punishment, death, and love. He became sin for us so we could become the righteousness of God. He was buried in a grave, and rose three days later conquering death, hell, the grave, injustice, and everything else that seeks to divide a marriage. This is the place where you die and come alive!
Jesus Christ paid the price for us to have abundant life in marriage. Without Christ at the center, it’s impossible to live in a wholehearted connection that’s alive.
Declarations to apply the blood of Jesus to your life and marriage:
- I died with Christ, my old life, and sin habit’s died with him.
- My old life was buried in the grave with Christ. My past is gone.
- Shame, guilt, and condemnation died with Christ, and I partner with resurrection life to replace it.
- I am resurrected in a new life, empowered by the Holy Spirit to love my spouse unconditionally as Jesus loved me.
- I’ve been forgiven, therefore I forgive.
- He no longer holds my past against me, therefore I no longer hold my spouse’s past against them.
- The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is resurrecting the dead parts of my life and marriage.
- Jesus took my punishment, therefore, I release the punishment I want to give my spouse to the Lord.
- The same love that drove Christ to the cross is the same love I love my spouse with.
- Just as Jesus yielded to the Father even to death on the cross, so I yield to the Holy Spirit to love my spouse no matter what it costs me.
- As Christ was the light of the world, so I live in the light with my spouse in all things.
Activation
- Give God thanks for Jesus and the Goodnews of the Gospel! Spend time giving Him praise—lift your voice—something will come alive in you as you do!
- If you have willful sin in your life, repent to God and your spouse so the connection can be restored, and let Christ be the atoning sacrifice for you, and receive the reality of a new life; the old is gone. Click here
to start a relationship with God.
- Spend time seeing your spouse as Christ sees them.
2. Marriage takes work.
Like a fruitful garden, you must till and fertilize the soil, pull weeds, and learn what works and doesn’t work in certain seasons. It takes intentional effort, becoming a student of your spouse, and spending thousands of hours practicing to produce desired fruit.
Don’t settle for a low-grade euphoric picture Hollywood has created for you; God’s ways flow in seasons, grow rich fruit, and work in the soil of surrender, effort, and perseverance.
Most of us weren’t raised knowing how to have a great marriage. It takes two people giving 100% to see it thrive.
Ideas to work on your marriage:
- Devour content from experts on marriage, and learn like a student would study a craft. Click here
for great resources and encouragement.
- Read books, do E-courses, attend marriage seminars then apply the learned knowledge.
- Get a “whatever it takes” mentality.
- Set a weekly time aside where you connect on how you’re doing.
- Identify weeds (lies, thoughts that make you want to quit or create distance and pull them)
- Find other couples you can do life with and grow together.
Activation
- Dream and get heaven’s vision for what your marriage is going to look like.
- Thank God that He is at work in your marriage even when you can’t see it.
- Pray for each other, and partner with the Holy Spirit to speak what He sees over your spouse.
3. Protect connection at all costs.
Several years ago, I shot a deer. I got him right in the vitals as he was coming to a stop from running down a hill. I wanted to hit him before this moving target took off again.
Marriage is like hitting moving targets. I know, not an analogy for everyone. You’re welcome!
Needs communicated become targets to take aim at—often they are moving. You can’t run to meet the needs of your spouse unless you see a clear target. This is where tension forms between many couples. One expects the other to just know what hasn’t been articulated. Or you forget what’s already been communicated.
”You build connection by seeing the needs of your spouse, and showing value by making necessary adjustments to meet them with joy!”
There is an exchange of needs being met in every healthy relationship. Do you know what you need for your marriage to thrive? Yes, YOU. Finding your needs is a journey in self-discovery with the Holy Spirit, asking questions, listening, then identifying the right, and the wrong paths for the fulfillment of those needs.
Communicating what you need is a vulnerable and scary process that takes courage, patients, perseverance, and flat out
hard work. If you were going to meet with the President of the United States, how much time would you think about what to say, and what not to say? Your spouse is a more significant relationship than the President.
Questions to ask yourself in order to find what you need:
- What would make me feel seen?
- What would make me feel valued?
- What would make me feel heard?
- What would make me feel connected?
- Is what you need a real expectation, or does it need to be adjusted?
Tips on communicating your needs to your spouse:
- I feel seen when you meet this need in my life.
- I feel heard when you make an effort to prioritize what’s important to me.
- I feel valued when you make time for what’s significant to me.
Click here
for more on keeping connection alive in my blog 3 keys to building a healthy family.
Activation
- Practice communicating about your needs, not telling them what they need to do.
- Practice reflective listening. Repeat back what you are hearing them say.
- Seek to understand each other, then give each other freedom to meet each other’s needs.
For more, you can visit my friends here
at Loving on Purpose who have helped millions with marriage and family.
Click here
to learn more about overcoming disconnection.
If you are ready to take your marriage to the next level click here.