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3 Keys to Cultivating a Happy Marriage

Tom Crandall • Apr 25, 2020

3 Keys to Cultivating a Happy Marriage

It was my 23rd Birthday, September 11, 1999, and I was about to receive the biggest gift of my life. It was also a very special day for my Fiance Leslie and I. That morning, I wrote the final entry in a journal I had been writing for her, on the first few pages I had left blank that I had been keeping on our relationship.

The entry wrote: 


“Well here we are honey, we are getting married in just a few short hours. It just doesn’t seem real yet that we are actually getting married today. Last night with the guys was crazy, and I’m running on three hours of sleep but I think I’ll be fine.
If you are wondering what this is, it’s not just another journal. Leslie ever since I really met you, I knew that you were the person that I wanted to love and marry, so for the last thirteen months, I’ve been keeping a journal of our relationship, events, and simply my love and prayers for you.”

Later that evening, I gave her the journal. She cried. Mission accomplished.

Before the wedding, I picked up the rental car for our getaway and stopped at McDonald's for breakfast. I noticed the old guys in the corner with their newspapers and had a surreal moment—“they have no idea that I’m getting married today.” They have lived most of their lives and I’m about to start living mine.

The wedding began—She turned the corner holding her father’s arm, walking down the aisle to trade vows, and make a lifelong covenant called marriage. She was stunning! I took a million pictures in my mind of this beautiful moment. We both wept as we worshiped the Lord together committing our lives to Him as one from this day forward. All I could feel was the kiss of God—that this beautiful person would choose me.

It was an unforgettable day.

We were married and off to a great start. 

We soon found out that marriage was full of twists and turns, ups and downs, pain and comfort and we needed more than the memory of a wedding day to thrive.

Two kids later, living in five different states serving at Bethel Church, the fourth church we’ve been on staff at—we’ve learned a thing or two about growing a flourishing marriage amongst ministry pressure, transition, pain, and change. 
  
We recently celebrated 20 years last September! Today, our love and connection is deep, fun, alive, and has carried one goal—please the Lord in our relationship.

Here are 3 keys to Cultivating a Happy Marriage:

1. The Cross of Christ must be the center.

The Cross of Jesus Christ is a place of justice, punishment, death, and love. He became sin for us so we could become the righteousness of God. He was buried in a grave, and rose three days later conquering death, hell, the grave, injustice, and everything else that seeks to divide a marriage. This is the place where you die and come alive! 

Jesus Christ paid the price for us to have abundant life in marriage. Without Christ at the center, it’s impossible to live in a wholehearted connection that’s alive.

Declarations to apply the blood of Jesus to your life and marriage:

  • I died with Christ, my old life, and sin habit’s died with him.
  • My old life was buried in the grave with Christ. My past is gone.
  • Shame, guilt, and condemnation died with Christ, and I partner with resurrection life to replace it.
  • I am resurrected in a new life, empowered by the Holy Spirit to love my spouse unconditionally as Jesus loved me.
  • I’ve been forgiven, therefore I forgive.
  • He no longer holds my past against me, therefore I no longer hold my spouse’s past against them.
  • The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is resurrecting the dead parts of my life and marriage.
  • Jesus took my punishment, therefore, I release the punishment I want to give my spouse to the Lord.
  • The same love that drove Christ to the cross is the same love I love my spouse with.
  • Just as Jesus yielded to the Father even to death on the cross, so I yield to the Holy Spirit to love my spouse no matter what it costs me.
  • As Christ was the light of the world, so I live in the light with my spouse in all things.

Activation

  • Give God thanks for Jesus and the Goodnews of the Gospel! Spend time giving Him praise—lift your voice—something will come alive in you as you do!
  • If you have willful sin in your life, repent to God and your spouse so the connection can be restored, and let Christ be the atoning sacrifice for you, and receive the reality of a new life; the old is gone. Click here to start a relationship with God. 
  • Spend time seeing your spouse as Christ sees them.

2. Marriage takes work.

Like a fruitful garden, you must till and fertilize the soil, pull weeds, and learn what works and doesn’t work in certain seasons. It takes intentional effort, becoming a student of your spouse, and spending thousands of hours practicing to produce desired fruit. 

Don’t settle for a low-grade euphoric picture Hollywood has created for you; God’s ways flow in seasons, grow rich fruit, and work in the soil of surrender, effort, and perseverance.

Most of us weren’t raised knowing how to have a great marriage. It takes two people giving 100% to see it thrive. 

Ideas to work on your marriage:

  • Devour content from experts on marriage, and learn like a student would study a craft. Click here for great resources and encouragement.
  • Read books, do E-courses, attend marriage seminars then apply the learned knowledge.
  • Get a “whatever it takes” mentality.  
  • Set a weekly time aside where you connect on how you’re doing.
  • Identify weeds (lies, thoughts that make you want to quit or create distance and pull them)
  • Find other couples you can do life with and grow together.


Activation

  • Dream and get heaven’s vision for what your marriage is going to look like.
  • Thank God that He is at work in your marriage even when you can’t see it.
  • Pray for each other, and partner with the Holy Spirit to speak what He sees over your spouse.

3. Protect connection at all costs.

Several years ago, I shot a deer. I got him right in the vitals as he was coming to a stop from running down a hill. I wanted to hit him before this moving target took off again.

Marriage is like hitting moving targets. I know, not an analogy for everyone. You’re welcome!

Needs communicated become targets to take aim at—often they are moving. You can’t run to meet the needs of your spouse unless you see a clear target. This is where tension forms between many couples. One expects the other to just know what hasn’t been articulated. Or you forget what’s already been communicated.

”You build connection by seeing the needs of your spouse, and showing value by making necessary adjustments to meet them with joy!”

There is an exchange of needs being met in every healthy relationship. Do you know what you need for your marriage to thrive? Yes, YOU. Finding your needs is a journey in self-discovery with the Holy Spirit, asking questions, listening, then identifying the right, and the wrong paths for the fulfillment of those needs.

Communicating what you need is a vulnerable and scary process that takes courage, patients, perseverance, and flat out hard work. If you were going to meet with the President of the United States, how much time would you think about what to say, and what not to say? Your spouse is a more significant relationship than the President.

Questions to ask yourself in order to find what you need:

  • What would make me feel seen?
  • What would make me feel valued?
  • What would make me feel heard?
  • What would make me feel connected?
  • Is what you need a real expectation, or does it need to be adjusted?

Tips on communicating your needs to your spouse:

  • I feel seen when you meet this need in my life.
  • I feel heard when you make an effort to prioritize what’s important to me.
  • I feel valued when you make time for what’s significant to me.

Click here for more on keeping connection alive in my blog 3 keys to building a healthy family.

Activation

  • Practice communicating about your needs, not telling them what they need to do.
  • Practice reflective listening. Repeat back what you are hearing them say.
  • Seek to understand each other, then give each other freedom to meet each other’s needs.
For more, you can visit my friends here at Loving on Purpose who have helped millions with marriage and family. 

Click here to learn more about overcoming disconnection.
If you are ready to take your marriage to the next level click here.
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By Tom Crandall 12 Apr, 2021
Can you imagine receiving a gift on Christmas—adoring the box and beautiful bow, yet never opening the gift? It’s possible to be in church for a lifetime and not receive the treasures of what’s been paid for. In the past few months I have found myself in a deep dive in understanding the simple message of the gospel. The Spirit of God has been highlighting different aspects of the cross, the blood of Jesus and the new nature that we have received as a result of it. I want to share 3 truths with you that have started to revolutionize my life in recent times: 1. Righteousness is a gift from God that can’t be earned—it must be received by faith. Righteousness means right standing with God—a position that no man can earn. The law reveals God’s holy nature, and man’s sinfulness. The law is good, and gives us the definition of sin, but can’t give life to anyone. Instead, it leaves us in a place of needing forgiveness and grace. It’s like a doctor that is able to diagnose a disease but unable to offer a cure. Jesus is the cure for the disease of sin and sickness that we all need. Many Christians try to earn their right standing before God with their good deeds and noble offerings, not realizing that Jesus has already paved the way for them. Their efforts are in vain and soon enough they burn out and wonder why they are not sensing God’s approval on their life. Self righteousness just leads to more self and focusing on sin management as the barometer for the righteousness you carry—a religious treadmill that never stops. We don’t live for righteousness, we live from it! In case you don’t have a relationship with God yet, you can click HERE to read my blog on “How to start a relationship with God”. If you are a child of God, you are righteous not because of what you do, but because of what Jesus has done for you on the cross. Meditate on these verses: 2 Corinthians 5:21 “For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” Romans 5:17 “For if by the one man’s offense death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:1 “Therefore having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:20 “Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more,” Peace is the result of trusting that God has made you righteous before you feel it, see it, or do anything to prove it. Focusing on our shortcomings and failures will never set us free, but only perpetuate more bondage. Looking to Jesus (John 3:14-16) is how we get free and receive the gift of righteousness. Activation: Ask yourself: Is there anything you need to surrender to Jesus? Take a few minutes to let the blood of Jesus wash you from the inside out. Spend some time meditating on the fact that you are already fully righteous before God, because of Jesus’ death and resurrection. If you are righteous in nature, how do you believe God sees you? Good or bad? Declaration: “Jesus, you are Lord of my life. Thank you that your blood was enough to make me fully right with you.” “I am standing pure and righteous before the throne of God right now, not because of what I did but because of what Jesus has done!” “I receive your peace you paid for in every area of my life.” 2. Faith in the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus has brought us into full union with Christ. Romans 6:4–5: “Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been UNITED together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection,” United means to identify with, to be like, to be one with. We are in union, oneness with Christ! Our old sinful nature is nailed to the cross, buried in the grave and we are resurrected with Jesus—alive in Him! Just as a man and a woman getting married die to the single life and become one with their spouse, so we die to our old, sinful life and become one in spirit with Jesus. Ephesians 2:6 (NLT): “For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus.” Romans 6:11 “Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Activation: Become aware of your union with Christ and take time to thank Him for being closer than the skin on your bones. See all temptation and sin as something outside of you. It is not who you are. Meditate on the reality that God lives in you on your best and worst day—He promised He would never leave you. Declaration: "I am hidden with Christ in God." "I have the mind of Christ." "I am one with Christ." “I am no longer separated from God. Every feeling of loneliness is a mere illusion, because I know that I am one with Christ in my spirit man!” 3. Our identity in Christ becomes a reality as we renew our minds. Oftentimes life happens and we don’t feel saved, at peace, or free. But God and His Word never change—we can come to Him just as we are at any time, in any situation, and He will receive us and transform us. It is so important to not interpret God’s word through the lens of our experience, but instead interpret our experiences through the lens of God’s Word. Your perception might be wrong, but His word never changes or fails. Romans 12:2 (NIV84): “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Ephesians 4:22–24 (NIV): “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Galatians 5:24 (Passion Translation) “Keep in mind that we who belong to Jesus, the Anointed One, have already experienced crucifixion. For everything connected with our self-life was put to death on the cross and crucified with Messiah.” HERE is a blog called “Receiving Righteousness” that I believe will help you in the process of growing in your identity. The renewal of the mind happens as our faith aligns with Him by doing the following: Feasting on His Word Reviewing testimonies of what God has done Praise and worship Prayer Meditation Declaration Activation: Give God thanks for what He has accomplished on the cross for you. How is the Holy Spirit leading you to renew your mind with what Jesus has accomplished for you? Take time to receive the love of God, His grace, and His perception of you. Declaration: “My mind is continuously being renewed by the Word of God, and as a result my life is continuously growing to look more like Christ!” "I am a new creation." "I am covered by mercy, and empowered by grace to live bold in Christ!"
By Tom Crandall 05 Feb, 2021
People are convinced that God is angry, disappointed, punishing and judgmental. Let me assure you, the Bible proves, that is not the nature of God. Contrary to the world’s opinion God is actually holy, righteous, just and also loving, merciful, gracious, kind, forgiving and empowering. How can you know what God, the Father really looks like? By looking at Jesus! Jesus dealt with our inability to know the nature of God. He Himself said, “If you have seen me, you have seen the Father.” God looks like Jesus, because while Jesus was fully man, He was also fully God. Christ was not afraid of sinners, He was their friend. He never gave anyone an excuse as to why they cannot be healed, instead He healed everyone who was sick. Wherever He went, he brought freedom and deliverance to those who were bound. The life of Jesus points us to this truth: A good Father, like God will do anything for his kids, even if it means laying down his own life for their good. He gave up His only Son to give humanity true freedom. Many have not encountered a father like this, which is exactly why Jesus came; to reveal a heavenly Father who is better than anything we could imagine. He was a physical example of the love that God has for us. I want to encourage you today: No matter how hopeless you feel right now, this amazing Father loves you, and is right there with you to set you free! Meditate on Jesus and you’ll find the Father: Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” -John 14:12 Jesus covered sinners. Jesus healed the sick. Jesus accepted the rejected. Jesus set the oppressed free. Jesus forgave sin. Jesus removed shame. Jesus listened to people. Jesus gave hope to the hopeless. Jesus protected the vulnerable. Jesus comforted the broken-hearted. Jesus brought laughter and joy. Jesus brought peace to turmoil. Jesus revealed truth in the midst of lies. Jesus did miracles to provide for others. Jesus demonstrated the reality of another world. Jesus laid down His life so others could live. Jesus empowers us to live like Him. Everything Jesus modeled was a good Father. Activation: Get comfortable and take 3 minutes to imagine what the Father is like. Think about how He revealed Himself through Jesus. Are there any lies that you have believed about the nature of Father God? Write them down and leave them at the foot of the cross. Declaration: “I know that the Father loves me, because Jesus demonstrated it by dying on the cross!” “The Father’s embrace is the safest place in the world for me! I will not be afraid of punishment when I come to God, because I know Jesus has paid for all my mistakes."
By Tom Crandall 05 Feb, 2021
Over the past months I have been pondering on the subject of freedom. In today’s fast world we are inundated with options but do our choices produce real freedom? The world thinks freedom is the ability to do, say and think whatever you want, but that couldn’t be further from the truth! Living in lawlessness will make your soul sick, it will leave you asking “Isn’t there more to live for?” We all know of people who seemingly have it all. They are searching for freedom in money, friends, sex and success but when their head hits the pillow at night, they are left empty on the inside. True freedom is found in knowing God. We are designed to live in friendship with a Father who loves us. Never do I feel so free as when I experience the presence of God. Can you relate? That’s because we are made for Him. Jesus did not just give you a “get out of hell free” card, He paid in blood for you to live a life of freedom here on earth! “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free!” -Galatians 5:1 If you received Jesus’ gift of salvation you can experience this freedom today, because Jesus paid for it. You have free access to the Source of everlasting freedom, love, joy and peace-found in Christ alone. Activation: Say this with me: Father, here I am! I know that I am precious to you. Thank you for loving me today.” Now, just sit still for a moment. Do you feel Him loving you? Take a few minutes to identify areas of your life where you are not experiencing this freedom yet, areas where you feel bound. Then take time to lay them down before the throne and listen to what God is saying to you about how He wants to change your life. Declaration: “I was designed for freedom in Christ, not for bondage!” “I don’t have to earn freedom, Jesus already paid for it on the cross! I simply get to receive it as a gift by entering His presence.”
Vote 2020
By Tom Crandall 29 Oct, 2020
I love history. Everything we want to learn for our future is found in our past. Love, fear, courage, cowardice, sacrifice, selfishness, hate, kindness, poverty and prosperity—the fingerprints of God and man can be witnessed throughout the halls of our past.
Receiving righteousness is about stepping into your new identity in Christ
By Tom Crandall 28 Sep, 2020
Have you ever felt like something was missing from your life? Like something was wrong and you just couldn’t figure it out? You’ve been faithful in church attendance, and trying to be a good person yet you can’t shake this gnawing feeling that something is missing—or worse, wrong. We were designed for righteousness—to be just—in right standing with God, and when we aren’t something feels off. This “off” feeling isn’t meant to condemn us, but lead us to righteousness. I have been there—and I have good news for you!
We were born to live with victorious courage yet many believers are living beneath their design.
By Tom Crandall 16 May, 2020
Living encouraged has more to do with how we steward our internal world than external circumstances. The Kingdom of God is a limitless fountain we can access to give endless encouragement at all times. God is our source of encouragement.
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